Heart in Hands
It hurts… a lot or so I’ve heard. Felix says it’s painful, when somebody dies, but he and the other two brothers don’t feel as everyone else does and neither do I.
I hear that thumping noise outside my apartment a lot, I imagine it’s the heart outside. I don’t live far from it, it’s a heart right smack in the middle of the city under a glass, you can hear it and see it beat.
Sometimes I simply look at it and ask myself, what would happen if somebody ripped it out? It’s a stupid thought because honestly we would die but I can’t feel what everyone else feels. I feel cold and Hall says I wear my heart on my sleeve, Keith says I was born like this.
“Clyde!”, Felix screamed for me, I smelled pancakes but considering the fact he can’t cook worth a damn I pulled the blankets over my head. I heard foot steps rush up stairs. Don’t come in. The door swung open, I could feel the blast of air blow my way. I sighed, I may not be as emotional as everybody else but I know for a solid fact I actually don’t like Hall, he’s like the big brother everyone wished for just to beat up bullies but end up hating cause he’s an ass.
“Clyde! Wake up!”
Hall has green eyes, they call him a bull because he’s big in muscle, I call him a jock… brawn no brains. He mostly yells at me and Felix and I, are tan, my eyes are a tint of orange. Keith says it’s amber, but truthfully I can’t pick up colors too good. Hall has green eyes, I know this cause Felix tells me how things look.
He’s tall, nearly six feet five or six, his nose is fat and straight. Today it look injured and almost broken, I could tell from the thin sheets of my bed.
“CLYDE! Get up! YOU aren’t sleep!”
He jerked the covers off me and took hold of me by arms harshly to lift me up. “Hall, you don’t need to be harsh with the boy”, said Felix. I don’t see how Hall is related to any of us, he’s very… white like, merely pale, and the fact I see differently makes him the devil in this home. His dark red eyes were just looking at me. He took the back of my neck and headed downstairs with Felix following behind us. “Hall, where the hell are you taking him!”, he cried. I struggled a little as he started squeezing, we drew close to the car outside the apartment and he threw me in the back seat. I sat up instantly and he shut the door, the fact I was in an enforcement’s vehicle behind the grated window of the back seat. It pretty much accurately describes my entire life.”Hall! What are you doing!”, I could hear Felix shouting at him. I looked outside as my poor brother was man handled by this giant. I set my hands on the window and started tapping the glass, Hall looked at me and ordered I stop immediately. Stupid enforcers, I don’t even know what I did. It’s not even pass ten and today I’m going to jail.
“Tell me what he did wrong!?”
I bit my lip, I swear right now, I didn’t do a goddamn thing wrong. Yes, I went out last night, yes I came home after letse say an explosion happen and I Didn’t tell my brothers about it… at all. I don’t know who got killed and I don’t know who set the bomb, all I know is I was talking to a nice pink haired girl in a fairy costume or maybe I was drunk, actually what happened last night?
Hall left Felix alone and opened the car to get in. I beat the window to get Felix’s attention. “Call my lawyer!! I didn’t do it!!” I yelled.
“You don’t have a lawyer!”, he shouted back. “Buckle up junior”, said Hall. “I’m not your Junior”, I sneered. “It’s an expression, wise ass” at least I can solve calculus mathematics and didn’t repeat high school twice!”
Lucky for me, I like driving around the city, even though there is no color. I wonder does it effect my vision, everything is legitimate black and white, my colors are colorless, technically my hair is white and cut low. I say im tan when really that’s how I see myself, I’m grey…. no seriously, I’m grey as a badger. Felix and I are both grey and Hal is white as a ghost and I see him no other way, he is white, I cannot express that enough.
Black buildings, women in white dresses, the man in the phonebooth has blue eyes and wearing a striped black and white business suit. The trees are red, I think it’s fall, because normally they are white.
When we drown up to the police station, Hall slapped the cuffs on my hands, I looked him straight in the eyes. “What’s this? Where am I going to go? Home? I doubt it seriously”, I said rather smugly.
“Whatever, feels good putting your tiny ass in jail”, he pulled me towards him. “You need to be locked up”
His breath smelled of alcohol and I could tell he hadn’t considered a shower in a while. He dragged me inside the building and I looked in awe at the masses of paper falling from room to room. “What’s happening?”, I asked as I watched a woman with blue eyes dash across a room then falling. Poor lady. “Work boy, something you aren’t familiar with”
“You aren’t too familiar with water and soap is ya?”, receiving a smack for my sass in return, I regret nothing.
He pulled me into the room with one window looking out towards the baby fountain with a young infant as the statue. Hall caught me admiring it outside and smack the table for my attention. “Alvin”, he said and I responded with who. “Alvin… the goddesses son. You know what vein is connected to it right?”
“No. I was not aware that veins were connected in anyway”
He glared. “Are you being funny with me boy?”
“As funny as an onion sir”
He growled and sneered. “No, no sir I’m not being funny”, I corrected myself. “Good. Alvin is connected to the blue vein, the color of the water in the fountain. The color of the rain, it’s blue, you see that right?”
“I… yes?”, I was confused and he paced the room. “I’m… not sure what’s happening right now”, I said.
“Clyde… what color do you see blood?”
“Honestly? It’s pink”, I answered.
“I see red…. blood is red to me Clyde. You see things the way you want or imagine, everything is red to me and I’m sure my eyes are different to you… yes?”
“Your eyes are red to me…”, I said.
He smirked and looked at me. “You are a special boy… and I could use you, child”
“Use me? For… like…. chores?”
“No… you see it’s strange the nightclub was painted in black and everyone but you can see in straight color. Because you see the world differently, maybe you can see what’s wrong, Clyde, hundreds died that night. Do you remember anything?”
I thought on it before I spoke, I went to the nightclub last night after I left the college, friends dragged me away; said I’ve been working too hard, I needed a break so I went to the club. I chatted up one or two girls, had a few drinks. I remember two guys were arguing about money and sounded like somebody I knew but the music was so loud I couldn’t figure out the voice.
I told him that and he sat across from me and pulled out a cigarette. “Want one?”, he smirked.
“Never to late to start an addiction to nicotine. I was 15 when I started and then I was told to stop cause I could die but I can’t”
“What do you mean? You can’t?”
He looked me straight in my face, Hall was getting old, I could see the wrinkles on his face starting to show. He smirked once more, “you wear your heart on your sleeve, Clyde, when the wave hits me… I’m not hollow, it’s like a tremor through my fingers and they begin to twitch. You don’t feel anything when it happens?”
I put my head down and started feeling bad. I wondered why when everybody has a feeling for it. People died around me and I felt nothing, no pain, no angst, no depression everybody goes through something but me. “No, I didn’t feel anything”
“What if your brothers died? What if Keith died?”
“I don’t know”
“I don’t know”
I looked up, I had to ask myself again, would I care? Felix is my favorite, I have a love for Keith I’m sure but Hall? Something… makes me not care. It’s as if his life is nothing but I acknowledge he is my brother and yet I have to care even a little. Why do I hate my brother? He’s been nice to me a few times, bought me things on my birthday, gave me a car, I remembered how we painted my room red because when I was little I couldn’t stand seeing black and white, white carpet, black walls. It made me ill, like I was dying.
I hear him sigh. “I’m sorry you feel that way about me Clyde”
“I’m sorry too”
He put his hand on my head. “You know… your brother loves you… right?”
I almost feel bad that I can’t bring the words to my mouth. “Yeah”, was all that could come out my mouth. I should say sorry, but I don’t even feel that. Maybe I do wear my heart on my sleeve.
This just in, Blue Cupid has attacked several women this evening. The victims hearts were taken, one girl, who wishes to be anonymous says he asked what’s it like to feel death after taking her and her friends to the docks and attempting to drown them.
Keith was staring intensely at the television. His blue eyes squinted when the carmas near the docks showed a picture of the killer, his eyes were blue, the brightest blue I’ve ever seen, everything was covered in black from head to toe ezcept his eyes. I looked at Keith, my second eldest brother who wore his hair slicked back or at least tired to. He shook his eyes and got up from the couch and went towards the kitchen, “Clyde, do you know what happen in at the nightclub? Two hundred supposedly died. I heard you were there”, he hollered. “I was there, I left as soon as the first explosion”
“Do you meet anybody?”, he came back and sat beside me, he handed me a soda and put his feet on the table. “I met a girl with pink hair I think”
“Are you sure it was pink?”, he asked.
I blinked my eyes as to why would he ask me that. “…yeah?”
“You sure, because according to to the bartender you left mighty drunk. Apparently so drunkbyou forgot you drove, that car was at the pound and I went and got it”
“Oh…”, was all I could say, I hadn’t even thought about it. I left my car there at the club. “Did you find something wrong with it?”
“Nothin’ some girl panties and maybe two bottles of liquor”
Keith is known to many as a doll just like Felix, they’re my two most good looking brothers and when people ask me about Hall they say things like, “I’m surprised someone is related to a baby face like you. He’s a beast”
Women have always been harsh on Hall. They would say things like he looks as if he’s been kicked in the face to many times, but he really just looks coarse in the face. People think he’s older than what he is but he’s just 35 with a stubble. I believe it comes from work. “Clyde are you a virgin?”
I’m pretty sure my face was damm near red. “Yes!”
He squinted at me and took a sip of the soda. “You sure?”
My face turn into embarrassment and discomfort. “Keith I don’t even like girls!”
“You….”, he paused. “Well that’s new, I hope you find a good guy–”
“I don’t like guys!”, my face was still hot with embarrassment. I shyed my eyes away. “Oh…k… you’ll grow out of it. Just a phase”
“I hardly doubt it when I’m seventeen. I’m not some late bloomer I really just don’t care nor do I want to explode”
I got up and turned to leave the room. “Then somebody else was in your car? Huh, little brother?”
I stopped as I approached the third step. “Don’t bring your work home detective Black”
He set the soda down on the table. “You know how I feel when somebody gets killed? I cry, I legitimately cry my heart eyes because I wear mine in my hands. I hold on to emotions–”
“Great! I wear my mine on my sleeve! Is this what’s it about, I’m exposed? No secrets from me, Clyde Black the emotionless bastard”
“Clyde it’s not like that”, his face turned concerned. “It’s just, you were there and when I heard I got worried. People wear their hearts differently on their bodies, some don’t wear them at all but you, it’s right where they can see it. Felix’s is on his cheek, mine in my hand, and god knows where’s Hall’s”
I looked up in attention. “You were worried?”
He scanned my face and walked up to me. “Yes… I was thinking I’d lost my little brother, my family. Do you feel anything if… something happen to us?”
“I’m not heartless…. I just don’t feel the way you do”
“Do you feel bad about it?”
Once again I thought on it, I guess I did a little, just a bit because what if I lost one of my brothers. Would… Would I cry at all. He said he cries, everyone goes through it differently, and I don’t feel anything. “I don’t think I like having my heart on my sleeve”
Keith pulled me closer and embraced me. I know for sure, I use to love or maybe liked getting hugs from my brother, he was warm. His touch is never cold or hard, it makes you feel… nice, positive like as if nothing could go wrong and I liked it.
I finally went up stairs and sat on my bed, Felix came by and lended on the door, he looked pale, in terms of looking greyer or browner than usually. He yawned before he spoke, “you ok?”
“Yes..”, I gave a smile and he returned it. “I wear my heart on my tongue Clyde or so Hall says, but I think it’s my lips”
“I can’t tell if you do”, I smirked. He grinned a bit and came to sit next to me, “I’m expressive meaning I hold no secrets, I say what I’m feeling a lot and come off as an ass. Call a woman a man once… and I think Keith wears his on his chest, that’s why you don’t see it”
“What do ours look like? I’ve never seen it”
He looked at me, smiled and blew a kiss. A heart floated in front of me, it red and beated. “Mine is this size and they get bigger like the one in the ground”
I was a bit amazed, I wondered what mine looked like, “they come in colors. Black, Pink, Rainbow”
“What’s a rainbow?”, I asked.
“It’s this… um… a slide of colors that look the way you see. Red, Blue, Pink, orange, and green”
“Is there brown”
He shook his head. “No, no brown. It’s beautiful, I heard bet you could see it better than others in this black and white world we live in, Clyde”
I stayed up all night, my eyes felt dry and tired, yet I kept thinking why… why is my heart on my sleeve and I’m numb. The waves never hit me, I don’t care, I feel absolutely nothing for the people that died. That’s the way the world works, someone dies and everyone feels the wave of emotions from the world’s heart.
How would I feel if I lost my brothers, I hope I cry, if I don’t I’d hate myself. Hall dies, I guess that’s ok. I pondered on the deaths in ny head, made it into movie. I was thinking I was sitting in the large two story apartment with my brothers in the kitchen. Hall was laughing about something Keith said and then Felix git up and went to the kitchen. He said we didn’t have anything in the fridge and blamed Hall for his appetite so he walked out the apartment to go to the grocery store which isn’t that far from us, it’s in walking distance and across a street so I wondered there in my bed. Felix walked across the street to the store and a man walked up to him a trench coat. He looked at my brother and asked him for some money. Felix told the man he needed it to buy at the store but the man looked at him more sternly and asked for just a quarter. He told him to begone and the man got upset so he pulled out a knife and stabbed him thirsty seven times.
I started feeling angry and my wrist burned. I shot up and helded it, I hissed in pain and it slowly started to ease. My wrist was hot like fire and I decided that thinking on these things only hurt me so I stopped.
I think I had a dream about being in a car I think Hall was with me and his face was bleeding. I was…scared, I told him stop, don’t do this anymore and he glared at me and held a pistol to ny head and a voice said to me. Stop him. Please…
When I woke up, I ran down stairs and Felix was listening to a jazz tune. Considering he hates jazz music, I guessed Keith just went away. Keith is the main one who likes to listen to a great deal of music, keeps a dozen of records as well. Our kitchen is very plain, clean and black titles with a grey wall. A table large enough for three people but since Hall and Keith leave the earliest every morning Felix and I have alot of room.
To my surprise, Keith hadn’t left yet so I asked what was wrong since it was out of the ordinary to catch him. “Not now, Clyde”, he sniffled and I already knew just by that action someone died. “She was nine, Clyde. Mother said she heard something in the middle of the night, woke up and her daughter was missing, all that was left… was a foot. A foot Clyde”
“Yeah… Blue Cupid”
“That’s a dumb name…”, said Felix, his eyes were reddened from crying. “Blue… for the heart. Cupid.. Cupid means Desire, did you know that Clyde?”
He turned to Keith, “Did you big brother? Found out what it means yet?”
Keith pulled at his bottom lip, he didn’t still look up at us when he answered. “No…”
“Is the enforcement working on it?”, I demanded. “This should be a thing they should be on top of, ya know since… if the number in deaths go up, it could escalade into something tragic”
“We know… suicides could happen with added grief”, he stated. “Some just hang on too strongly, Felix is like that. We all wear our hearts differently Clyde, and that says how we deal with everything”
“I talk about my feelings, Keith keeps his in his hand, and Hall…”, They shared a look, “we don’t know”
“Maybe our brother doesn’t own a heart”, Keith added. “But… cries plus it involves a person with no heart to kill”
“Wait, did you two just think Hall was the killer?”
“No… no Clyde we don’t think… Hall did it”
“I do…”, said Felix. “Hall freaks me out”
“Felix! That’s your brother!”
“Can’t be, he’s too white to be any of my kin”, he gritted his teeth, this was Felix, he talks about how he feels and I could only determine his emotions as anger or hate.
“Felix, rather you like him or not, he has shared things with us! Kin or no kin, he is a person in this house”
“Sometimes I wish he wasn’t! He scares me, Keith!”, Felix shouted and raced out the kitchen. I honestly didn’t know he felt like that towards him. I don’t really hate Hall, just… I just don’t even know how I feel. He is aggressive, mean, acts like a brute but he delivers a sweet side and I don’t understand how the person who once sat by my bed as a child because the little kid complained about monsters could have a bitter personality.
I sat across from my brother, “why didn’t you go to work…”
“I’m off today, you need to be in school”
“I can miss a day, perfect attendance”
He smirked, “good. What do you wanna do?”
I shrugged I never thought on it. “Military? A Soldier? Maybe a… enforcer? Like my brothers”, I stated.
“Hmmmm, seeing as your emotionless, you could get out with a lot. Trash talk, be an ass, cause you don’t care”
“Don’t make me sound heartless”, I frowned. “I have some emotions, not strong, but I recognize when I’m happy and sad and—”
“I understand, you’re not a shell, it’s just…”, he put his head down, “you wear it on your sleeve and I still can’t tell how you feel half the time. How you feel now?”
How do I feel? “Well…”, I thought on his question. “I had a dream… and I was scared”
“Wow, what else?”, he leaned towards me. “You are not interested in that”, I said, seeing his fake enthusiasm. “Also, my wrist burned”
“I thought… about how would I feel if… one of you died so I thought about Felix dying and my arm started to burn like fire and it slowly went away”
He stared at me with eyes wide. “You thought about one of us dying?”
“Yeah… and then the dream, I was scared because…”, I kept pausing because it played in my head like a movie, I was scared, blood on his face and I was asking him to stop then he pulled out a gun on me. “I think Hall… was going to shoot me”
“He was going to shoot me and I heard a voice, she said. Stop him”
“I don’t know… she was… she sounded worried”
“She said nothing more?”
“No… that was it. Why?”
“I think I know why you wear your heart on your sleeve”, he bit his lip and got up from the chair. He looked at me before he ripped my shirt open, realizing the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. It beat and it was large and fleshy.
“The heart on your sleeve is not yours Clyde”